i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize