put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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