If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
