Can i not drive my cunt home
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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