will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
