dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
