Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
