Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
