Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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