So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
