i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
