I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
