census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
