Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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