I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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