my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
