i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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