DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
