Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
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