Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Please don't give away my fajitas
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
