More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
