my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
