listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
