Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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