at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I believe in your delicious
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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