dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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