I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
