I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
3 2 1 whiskey
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
