Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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