Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
