Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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