On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
