Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
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What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
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Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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