I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
