Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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