dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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