And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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