U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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