God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
