went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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