i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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