Swine flu. Run for my life!
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
