everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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