Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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