i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
