I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize