Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
