Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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