I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I have feelings that need drinking.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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