remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
