Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
