Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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