Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
