Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
