sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's official drugs can't kill me
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
