In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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