I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
