I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
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There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
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What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize