grandma shit on top of the toilet
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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