now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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